Third week of Summer 2011

Starting FINIP after finishing up SEALNet. Maybe two projects in one summer is not a good idea in the future – especially if they involve multiple cultures and countries. Transitions are exciting, eye-opening and sometimes the best teachers, but the older I get, the more tiring they become.

It’s Friday already—of such a loaded week. This week started with a few days of catching up with friends at home. Some things haven’t changed, which I am very grateful about, but some things are gone. It’s really interesting how you don’t realize how much you rely on something until it’s gone. Thus I’ve finally seen that something I’ve pretended to despise is actually a foundation of my confidence – the bottom line of how I see myself. When it was taken away, a section of my tower, called “relationships” collapsed, revealing what it was made of – who I actually was.

Looking at my own imperfections, I realize that I need some major renovations. I have no solid platform of friendship – which may be the reason why I crave a relationship so much. I am a helpless people-pleaser, I want people to love me and care for me, but I still have issues opening up my heart – most of the time I put up a show so people will like me. I avoid the inevitable conflict like a plaque – keeping me away from building solid relationships. And two summers ago, my heart broke so badly I’m not even sure how to like a person anymore. Honestly, looking at these pieces, I really don’t know how I’m actually supposed to build a better building.

On a darker note, the shadow in our family’s corner is attacking again. The creature first took mom, then it hurt my first aunt, and now it caught my second aunt with its claws. It’s forever lurking around us, leaving us sleepless and unsure about tomorrow. I can feel its presence wrapping up around me too – am I going to escape it? Am I also fighting the clock before it strikes me down?

Dear Mom, I miss you. I wish you are still here, telling me what to do, or at least sitting next to me, making every hell feels like home. If I were to fight the same battle as yours, I’ll consider it an honor, and I promise I will fight as well as you. To the monster somewhere out there, our faith, hope, and love are greater than the sum of your powers. So you didn’t win – and you can’t win. Ever.